The Unexamined Life...

If ever there was a day full of inconsequential things, today was it. It never ceases to amaze me how full 24-hour periods can go by with seemingly so little accomplished. I mean, look how much Jack Bauer squeezes into a day.

Okay, I guess I did accomplish something today. It was the day of prayer here at campus, which, if I had any classes on Tuesdays, would mean that I could skip them. What it really meant was an extra day at school. But, even though I was less-than-enthusiastic about it last night, it turned out to be a pretty good day. Even if it was forced spiritual growth.

It's funny how even things that are good for you become unpalatalbe when they're forced onto you. When you were young and your mom said, "Clean your room," what did you do? Not clean it, that's for sure. "Eat your vegetables" is another popular one. And then there's this one--"Pray all day." Okay, I know that I'm at Bible college, and I know that I'm training to be a pastor, and I know that prayer is important. So why is it that when I have to do it, I resist? There's nothing inherently unappealing about a day of prayer--it's not like veggies that taste bad or cleaning your room that requires manual labour. But today, I would've preferred to be at home bleaching toilets. And the worst part is that I can't quite figure out why.

What am I running away from? Maybe I'm afraid of practicing what I preach. Maybe I'm afraid that in the action of coming close to God, I'll end up finding out some things about myself that I don't like. Or maybe I'm afraid that He's going to ask me to give up the things that I know I shouldn't do, but hold on to just because, well, I don't actually know why. In any case, I feel like a day full of self-examination is going to yield uncomfortable results, and, as any human being does, I tend to avoid discomfort.

But that's the rub, isn't it? Growth only comes through discomfort. I haven't done extensive empirical research on the topic, but I'm inclined to say that nothing has ever grown by staying the same, ever. Pretty safe bet, I think.

Maybe it's growth I'm afraid of, but I don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure I want to grow, I just don't want to pay the price for that growth. What I'd really like is to take a pill or download a program into my neo-cortex that allows me to have a bunch of maturity and growth without having to go through the uncomfortable stages that get me there. I heard on a radio show a little while back about a certain athlete who takes a cold shower every morning because "it cuts a toughness groove" in his brain. The host said that sounded like a good idea, but he wondered if there was a way to get the toughness groove without having a cold shower.

I really like the idea of being a mature man of God. I really do. I just don't want to take the steps to get there. It's just like how I want to be a really accomplished guitarist, but I'm not willing to put in the practice time necessary to get me there, so I just stay at the same level that I've been at for, oh, five years now. I want to be a leader, someone people follow, but I don't want to go through the process of screwing up that inevitably comes with developing the chops of leadership. I want an intense, tested faith, but I don't want the trials that necessitate that kind of growth.

In my spiritual walk, I'm never sitting still: I'm either growing, or stagnating. When I play guitar, I get calluses on my hand, but if I don't play for a while, the calluses go away, and I have to go through the pain of developing them all over again. It sucks. And I feel like my spiritual growth has followed that same pattern. There are times when I just feel like I'm on top of the world, but then I get undisciplined and fall back into old habits. Soon I have to learn the same lesson again, because I didn't do what it took to keep at the level I was at.

Truth is, I'm tired of that business. It's time for me to actually make a decision about spiritual growth, and grow up enough mentally to maintain the discipline I need to make that growth happen. I'm an adult now; there are no more excuses (even though I'm sure I could find some). It's time to get some discipline.

I really didn't intend for this to turn into a self-examination session, but I went down that road because (1) I like to fill space with words, and (2) I hope that you identify with me somewhere in the midst of all that stuff.

Today wasn't all about self-examination, though. Somewhere in there I managed to edit an essay, which is a really big load off my shoulders. This one is from one of my distance education classes from last semester, so it's nice to have that last piece of the puzzle worked out. I just finished work on my other distance course from last semester, too, so I'm finally free and clear (save the submission of one assignment). Whew.

The closer I get to the goal, the more I find it unbelievable that I'm getting there. Within a short amount of time, I am going to be finished. Done. It's weird because I have the kind of personality that drives a lot of people crazy in that I like to start things, but I'm not so keen on finishing them (see previous paragraphs on lack of discipline and the fact that I'm still finishing courses from last semester for evidence). It's strange to finish something and have that satisfying sense of completion. Even though I have no idea what to do with it. By the time I finish anything, my head is so far into the next project that I don't take time to stop and actually relish the fact that something was completed. I guess it's because I know there's always going to be that next thing on the checklist, so what's the point of celebrating this one when soon there will be something else to complete?

What a cynical view, eh? And so ridiculous. But we all have character flaws, so I guess it just proves I'm human. I'm committing, though, to not letting this one slip away. Yes, there still remains to be decided the issue of what, exactly, is next on the list, but for now, that can wait. Life will move forward, as it always does, and if I don't take time to celebrate this accomplishment now, when am I going to do it? So break out the liquor.

Just kidding. I'm not supposed to drink until April 29. I'll probably have a cigar, too.

Well, looks like this post got to be long enough without me ever getting to the rant I wanted to get to. Oh well, I guess that means you'll have to tune in again tomorrow. It'll be fun--it involves shopping for toothpaste (the most frustrating experience in the world). Until then, enjoy your evening (or morning, or whenever you read this), and I'll see you back here tomorrow.