June something-or-other...

Notice how I'm not even dating the posting today? Nice touch. Takes the focus off how long I've been away, and gives me an out for the rest of the week. You could say I've been shamed into posting tonight. Here's what's been going on.

The problem, my friends, is that I'm in this huge spin cycle right now, wherein life looks no different today than it did the day before, or the day before that, on and on ad nauseum. Thus, all my blog postings in this time frame would have resulted in me pretty much being able to copy and paste the last one, with a few dates and events changed.

Things on the job front look, frankly, dismal. The opportunity that I had talked about before turned out to be a bust--they decided to go with the other guy. I hope things work out for them, but it sucks to have given six weeks of your life to a process, just to have it end and you be back at square one. Everyone keeps saying that I really haven't tried at very many places, and I shouldn't be so discouraged, but I am.

Here's the thing: ministry work is not glamorous. In fact, it's quite possibly the profession with the least perks of any. The pay is bad, the hours are long, there is constant criticism, and your livelihood completely depends on the giving of others, which, to some, gives them control over your every move. But despite all of these things, it's still what I want to do. I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but I can't explain it.

It's not like a "normal" job, where you can walk in, do an interview, and know within a week--at the most--what your status is. It's hours, weeks, of giving of yourself and your time, it's meeting people, answering pointed questions, being vulnerable in front of complete strangers. It's emotionally exhausting, it's arduous, it's grueling. And I feel like each time I go through the process, I leave a bit of me behind and come out on the other side with less of me than I walked in with.

I'm discouraged. Why do I want this? Wouldn't it be easier to just get back into something I do well, that pays better, and just forget the whole concept of professional ministry? Yes. And no. And maybe, too. I'm at something of a crossroads here, and it's triggering all the fight-or-flight responses that I have. What I'm trying to do is sort through what I'm feeling and make a decision that will be best for the family. How do I do that? I don't know.

Hmm, this is turning into a massive therapy session. This is why I haven't been blogging. I need to figure out what the heck I'm going to do with my life. I'm 27 (which seems young, I know, but it feels old when you've been out of work for two years), I have a family who relies on me, and I'm scared. About the future. About my career. About my calling. About everything. I've been over and over the course of events from the two churches I've gone down the road with thus far, and I just can't figure out what it is that's sinking me. It's really frustrating.

On top of all the job stress, I just had a $1500 car repair bill and a $320 furnace repair bill, only to find out that our furnace is completely shot and needs to be replaced. On top of that, the hot water tank could spring a leak any second, the boy needs to eat, and the mortgage needs to be paid. And here I am, jobless.

It doesn't feel like I'm here for lack of trying, but I'm sure that's how it's coming across. I don't know. Maybe you're reading this and you're thinking, "Ah, get over yourself." That's fine. I will. I just need to find the road, you know?

So that's the story from here. I know, it's pretty sad. Since I know you don't want to be reading this miserable drivel every day, I'll try to get the tone back up for the end of this week. Maybe I'll actually come through on my two-week-old promise to post some photos (perhaps of our new dog). That'll help, I'm sure.

My apologies for the ranting. I'll come back by the end of the week with a shiny, happy new posting. See you then.